Abuse Facts

If he has changed:

• He is willing to wait however long it takes for her trust in him to be rebuilt, and does not pressure her to forgive or reconcile until she is ready.
• He does not say or do things that threaten or frighten her.
• He listens to and respects her opinion, even if he disagrees.
• She can express anger or frustration toward him without being punished or abused.
• He respects her 'no' in all situations, including physical contact.
• He does not prevent her from spending time with friends and family, and does not punish her later.
• He is willing to continue counseling as long as necessary.
• He takes responsibility for his actions, and does not blame her for his bad behavior.
• He is kind and attentive instead of being demanding and controlling.
• When he becomes frustrated or angry, he does not take it out on his wife or children.
• When he fails, he admits his mistake and takes responsibility for changing abusive behavior.
• He admits to his abusive behavior, and stops trying to blame or cover up.
• He acknowledges that all the abuse was wrong, and identifies all the ways he used to justify his abusive behavior.
• He acknowledges that his abusive behavior was not a loss of control, but a choice on his part.
• He recognizes and is able to verbalize the effects of his abuse on his spouse and children.
• He identifies attitudes of entitlement or superiority, and talks about the tactics he used in maintaining control. He replaces distorted thinking with a more positive and empathetic view.
• He consistently displays respectful behavior toward his wife and children.
• He wants to make amends for the harm he has caused.
• He is committed to not repeating his past behavior, and realizes it will be a life-long process.
• He is willing to hear feedback and criticism, is honest about his failures, and is willing to be held accountable for abusive thinking and behavior.

"Beware of the temptation to gauge change by means of the perpetrator’s church-going behavior. Going to church is not good enough ... does not prove that he is no longer going to hurt her." - Woman-Battering

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