Abuse Types
There are three important categories of abuse: Overt, Covert, and Ambient
OVERT ABUSE
The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening,
coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising,
insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"),
devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical
abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.
COVERT (OR CONTROLLING) ABUSE
Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and
immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually
in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's
identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment -
human and physical.
The bulk of abusive behaviors can be traced to this panicky reaction
to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are
hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid
to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning.
They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical
habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them
as a means of "being in touch" - another form of control.
To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others
are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects - not external ones.
Thus, losing control over a significant other - is equivalent to
losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.
Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization
that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre
of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him,
are internal representations.
To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other
people are mere elements in the abuser's mind - being unable to
manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine,
if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your
memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish!
In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the
abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and
mechanisms. Here is a partial list:
UNPREDICTABILITY
The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and
irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next
twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his
next outburst, denial, or smile.
The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the
lives of his nearest and dearest - by shattering the rest of their
world through his seemingly insane behavior. He perpetuates his
stable presence in their lives - by destabilizing their own.
TIP
Refuse to accept such behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and
rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries,
predilections, preferences, and priorities.
DISPROPORTIONAL REACTIONS
One of the favorite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal
is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme
rage to the slightest slight. Or he would punish severely for what
he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or,
he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement,
however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act
inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed,
if need be).
This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and
arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are
kept in the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of
"justice" meted and judgment passed - on the abuser - are thus
guaranteed.
TIP
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust
and capricious behavior. If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let
him taste some of his own medicine.
DEHUMANIZATION AND OBJECTIFICATION (ABUSE)
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic
good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people -
the abuser attacks the very foundations human interaction. This is
the "alien" aspect of abusers - they may be excellent imitations of
fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.
Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric - that people
recoil in terror. It is then, with their defenses absolutely down,
that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's
control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all
forms of dehumanization and objectification.
TIP
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate
with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers,
friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the
first transgression.
ABUSE OF INFORMATION
From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the
abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows
about his potential victim - the better able he is to coerce,
manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser
does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned, regardless
of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it.
This is a powerful tool in his armory.
TIP
Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting.
Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences,
priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm
and resolute.
IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS
The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable,
unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely
needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his
connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the
most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser
generates his own indispensability.
TIP
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion,
no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and
appraised of your situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better
safe than sorry.
CONTROL BY PROXY
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates,
family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media,
teachers - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses these
them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt,
convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target.
He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control
his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And
he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which
abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted
scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions
(condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the
victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the
abuser.
TIP
Often the abuser's proxies re unaware of their role. Expose him.
Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused,
and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring
it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.
AMBIENT ABUSE
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear,
intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are
no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of
control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding,
a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".
In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of
self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often,
the victims adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders
himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The
roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged
and the abuser - the suffering soul.
TIP
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent
abuse.
You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life.
Bail out.
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