How To Be Unhappy
Make little things bother you. Don't just let them, MAKE them.
Lose your perspective on things and keep it lost: don't put first things first.
Get yourself a good worry, one about which you cannot do anything.
Be a perfectionist, which means not that you work hard to do your best, but that you condemn
yourself and others for not achieving perfection.
Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who is always right, and be rigid in your rightness.
Don't trust or believe people, or accept them at anything but their worst and weakest. Be
suspicious. Insist that others always have hidden motives.
Always compare yourself unfavorably to others. This guarantees instant misery.
Take personally everything that happens to you.
Don't give yourself wholeheartedly to anyone or anything.
Get rid of your sense of humor. Life is very serious and you should take yourself
seriously.
Two words: self-pity and lots of it. The whole world is definitely against you.
Cultivate bad, addictive habits in yourself. Drink a lot. Smoke a lot. Eat a lot.
Go silent whenever someone sparks up a conversation that you don't know about. Make sure to
fidget, squirm, roll your eyes and bite your nails to the quick. Quickly change the subject at
the first opportunity.
Always build yourself up at the expense of others. Say things like "I could've told you that."
You have the power to change other human beings.
All people other than yourself are broken and You can fix them since you have Godly power.
You can fix another person, but you can't do squat about yourself.
Become irresistibly attracted to people who will never be there for you, on any level, ever....
Never say "I'm sorry."
Make sure you take things people say to you as an insult, and let them know it -
especially if you know they didn't mean it that way!
Ask for help from somebody who is unsuccessful 4 weeks before the most important exam of
your life and then believe them when they say, "Nobody ever passes that exam"
Remember every little wrong that has ever been done to you, real or imagined. Gather
those bad feelings & put them in a bag - it will be a large and heavy package. Then
drag that bag behind you everywhere you go for the rest of your life. It is your ticket
to unhappiness and your proof of how right you are about everything!
Scrutinize your partner's path with God and tell them what you see that they are
doing wrong. After all, God talks to you, therefore you know what is best for others
where God is concerned.
Make sure you vocalize your unhappiness to your loved ones, every day! Share the wealth,
take them with you!
Say mean, hateful things about other people when they aren't around, but be nice to
them when they are. Be sure no one except your partner hears the words you speak.
Tell your partner how much you can't wait to get rid of them and remove them from your life.
The next day, tell that same person how much you love them and how lucky you feel having being
able to share your life with them.
Yell, scream, and belittle your partner until they cry. Then smugly proclaim what a baby
they are.
Surround yourself with misogynistic alcoholics who cannot maintain a relationship.
"Don't ever let yourself feel pain or fear or sorrow. Instead, turn it instantly into anger,
and then make sure to let your partner see that anger."
"Always remember that if your partner loves you, he or she can read your mind. There is
never a need to share openly with them how you feel."
"Keep careful track of everything you do for your partner, and vice-versa. Remember,
the person with the highest score loves the other the most. Be sure to keep your partner
appraised of the score - especially when you are ahead."
"Believe every single negative thing anyone ever says about you. Forget about anything
positive - they were obviously wrong!"
"Don't waste your time trying to better yourself. People that love you will obviously
put up with anything you want to do. Instead, work diligently to change others - that
is much more fun."
"Admitting you have a problem is the first, and a huge, step towards recovery. Be proud
that you have the wonderful insight and honesty to admit you have a problem and stop
right there. That should be plenty of work for anyone!"
"Surround yourself with only people that agree with everything you say. The last thing
you need is contradictory opinions!"
"Don't think about your own flaws much at all - this only causes problems. After all,
ignorance is bliss."
"Dwell on your flaws all the time. Never miss a chance to remind yourself that you are
an imperfect person."
"Remember, home is where you can let your hair down and relax. No need to be polite
and put your best foot forward at home. Save your best for the outside world."
Dr. I refuse to be responsible. Let others, especially your wealthy parents, support
you financially. That way it doesn't matter if you can't hold a job, can't get a credit
card, can't get a checking account or can't balance a checkbook if you do somehow get one!
Go to work, and make up horrible things about your partner. When they give you advice on
your lies, believe it. Pattern your behavior around it. Sunshine :o)
Get advice on your relationship from a family member who has repeatedly abused and
abandoned you in the past. Sunshine :o)
Get angry when you are worried about your partner leaving, and then yell, scream, accuse
and abuse them so they know how much they mean to you. Sunshine :o)
Go to jail for domestic violence on your Anniversary, Thanksgiving and Christmas in the
same year, and then tell everyone how much YOU hate holidays. Sunshine :o) :)
Stop yelling and being angry all the time, because your wife is wise to it and has
learned how to stop it. Instead, sigh and moan and groan constantly when near her so
she can't help but notice you now that you're being such a great guy.
Make sure to put your wife into no win situations often, especially in front of the kids.
That way, no matter how she acts or reacts, she will look bad. As a result, you look
like the good guy.
Spend as much time working as possible, since those are the people who admire you the most.
Then, when you're home, remind your family about how loved you are at work. Remind them
frequently that something must be wrong with all of them--everyone at work thinks you're
the best.
Tell your kids often how they could be the best athlete, best student, best everything if
they would just work out, or study, or do everything just like you. And when they don't do
as you advise them, tell them what losers they are and will be.
If you get angry about something be sure not to talk about the problem and to clear it up.
Instead be vague and insist that there is no point in discussing it as it has been discussed
a million times before but carry on about it and make sure it remains a problem.
Remember you are perfect. It is always the other person's fault.
Abuse with an Excuse: "I Did It Because I Love You".
Always remember...when expressing sorrow for having hurt the one you love...do so by
also explaining that had it NOT been for THEM...you COULD never...you WOULD never have
committed such a horrendous act. Frequent use of this method will not only guarantee your
unhappiness as before long.....your spouse will start to respond! Indeed! Misery loves
company so use this one to your advantage. Soon.....no one will find reason to smile! :o)
or is that :o(
Always remember...words without actions are meaningless, therefore...strive to ensure
continued contradictions between the two. An increased state of confusion also increases
the chances of UNhappiness. It may take some time but nothing worth having comes withOUT
a price!
If your spouse repeatedly attempts to explain the she's feeling alone, neglected,
frightened, abandoned, ignored or dismissed entirely...take a few moments to demonstrate
how much you REALLY care by either: nodding your head, walking away, grunting or MY
personal favourite, by falling asleep. If she responds with anger and frustration or God
forbid, she indicates that she's feeling deeply hurt.......express further concern
by acknowledging that she clearly needs SOMEone to talk to. If you truly love her,
offer to find her a good therapist. If after years of dealing with her constant
expectations, her continued demands that if nothing else she deserves even a little
respect...leave her...she's a b&%ch!
Always remember...you can repeat the SAME promise over and over and over again but ONLY
if you continually break the initial promise. If confronted with this dilemma... never forget
...it's not YOUR fault that someone ELSE'S behaviour compels YOU to act in ways that
constantly force YOU to apologize. This one is fun as it allows you...the one who
repeatedly breaks promises...to demonstrate not only how intelligent you are but how
incredibly righteous you are as well. WOW! You DO have a purpose!!!
" Be an emotional martyr! Wear a fake smile and never need help from anyone! That way
you can feel justifiably angry when people think that you never experience any 'real
problems'. Then one fine day, when you feel ready to spread your vitriol, unload your
tales of woe on somebody who looks too happy for you to take. This works best when you
have no intention of dealing with what ails you."
" 'It's not my fault. If only...' If only everybody did what you wanted, you would
not be in such misery, so blame everybody else, blame everything else, blame it on Rio,
the full moon, whatever, but it is not your fault. You are not accountable to anyone,
not even yourself!"
"Resentment is a dish best served hot, swimming in a rich sauce of self-pity."
"Make this your mantra: Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, the world is against me!
Say it enough, and you'll be darned if it weren't true!"
"Be inconsistent and unpredictable in your affection toward your spouse.
They may never know if you truly love them, but at least they can't say you are boring."
Make everyone feel guilty for not giving you enough attention and praise.
Make your wife feel guilty for not constantly noticing you and admiring you.
Make your kids feel guilty for not saying "thank you" when you do things with them.
Let everyone know how lucky they are that you are in their presence.
If you're not entirely sure of the facts, make them up. Never, EVER user the phrase
"I don't know." It is far more important to SOUND like an expert than actually to BE one.
Scr** the other guy before he can scr** you.
When your partner walks into the room looking great and gleaming, withhold all compliments
and affection. Keep a stern expression and yell out a string of commands like: "Put your
cup in the sink!", "Get that book off the TV.!", "Stop the dog from scratching!",
"Hurry up! We're late!", "Get your keys; you're driving!"
When you come home to the house beautifully clean and your wife obviously worked all
day on it, and the wife greets you with a smile and dressed pretty, make sure you tell
here that she didn't wipe down the light switches.
Have your wife always serve your dinner to you, and run constant errands for you
like getting tools, or finding socks. THE FOLLOWING IS A CRUCIAL PART TO THE PLAN:
Never wait on her. If she asks for you to make her a cup of tea tell, her she doesn't need it.
Then when she refuses to wait on you until you reciprocate, make your own dinner.
NOTE: be sure to put on a big pathetic show of your actions while preparing you food.
But never give in to her demands. Your are the only one deserving of being waited on
hand and foot. She is incapable of earning that right.
Never work on your marriage, then blame your wife when she's had enough and seeks a divorce.
Insult your wife in front of the kids, then tell everyone and anyone who'll listen that
she's trying to turn the kids against you.
Ignore your wife and then tell her that the relationship problems are all her fault because
you aren't getting on.
Be nice to your wife only when you want something: money, sex help with your problems.
As soon as you get what you want, go back to being nasty and cold towards her.
Constantly accuse her of cheating, then go join a couple of dating agencies so you can
have her replacement ready when the relationship ends.
Make promises to take your wife out and do things together, then don't bother; the
excuse being lack of money, no time, forgot.......place your own reasons here.
Throw tantrums when your wife refuses to go with you anywhere as the only reason you would
have to invite her out in the first place is so that she can sit in the car where you can
see her.
Isolate her from friends and family and when she complains that you two haven't
spoken in months, tell her you're too busy working whilst what you're really doing is
surfing. This way you remain in control of her time and yours.
True Story: Keep your partner at bay - quoting, "I need space and although you don't
understand it, it's the only way I know how to deal with my worries. Furthermore, I
can't be around anyone now; that drains me, so your feelings are unimportant."
Nevertheless, after 7 months of mixed messages of "Is there hope?" ,"Is there some
reconciliation?", after calling you and asking you for a favor, when he ready to
discuss "us", he shouted out, "You're jealous, too emotional, and I 'm having sex
with someone else." There's one for you .
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