Understanding Abuse And Control In The Family
When Children Hear Verbal Abuse
Sometimes, even while trying to protect a child, a parent may lose sight of just how
to respect the child's feelings. For example, a woman wrote, "In the past I had a
grandfather who yelled at me and berated me. My own parents told me to not let
Grandpa bother me -- to just ignore him. I was really happy when he passed away"
In a situation like this, the child needs to hear, "What he just did [said] is not okay.
Come with me while I tell him." The abuser needs to hear, "What you said to Mary [or John]
is not okay. I really don't want her [him] to hear this kind of talk again."
If you are abused for speaking up, take yourself and your child out of harm's way,
again acknowledging your child's feelings ("I know it hurts when he talks mean") and
reiterating to your child the fact that that kind of talk is not okay.
If your child is yelled at or put down in any way, she or he needs your support.
Sometimes a parent may inadvertently teach a child to put up with abuse. It is
sometimes helpful to ask yourself, "Is there anything in what I've said that minimizes
the abuse?"
If a child is told by a parent, "She [he] didn't mean that," the child's experience is
invalidated and his or her pain discounted. The abuse is minimized and the child is
taught to tolerate it.
Minimizing abuse is something most people are taught. To say, "Forget it. He was just
having a bad day" may seem like a way to make the pain go away, but it just leaves the
hurt inside. And it's crazymaking. (Does having a bad day make abuse okay?)
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Family Index
Men are not abusive because they have a problem with anger,
they have chronic anger because they are abusive.
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